Midna's Final Prank
by FanimeScribbler
Summary: A parody of what happens after the ending of Twilight Princess; the REAL reason why Midna cracked the Twilight Mirror before leaving Hyrule.
1. Ditched

Midna's Final Prank

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Zelda; that's why I'm sitting here writing this disclaimer.

**Da Scribbler says: **Alright, another Zelda fic! This is, as stated in the summary, a parody, so yeah, enjoy the humour! XD

This is NOT the other Twilight Princess fic I mentioned - _that _one is taking forever to write. This one is mostly the product of me and my friends throwing in ideas about the ending of the game and me drawing the conclusions which turned out to be mind-blowingly funny. Yeah, so I've always kind of had a grudge against Midna - I never quite got over how much of a douche bag she is in the beginning of the game - so this seemed quite fitting of her to me. Of course, I know she really didn't intend for _this _to happen but...it's funny, so what the heck?

Special thanks to the one and only Zubi for all the great ideas! His ideas don't show so much in this chapter, but just wait til chapter two comes out...hoo, boy...

Read, enjoy, and review!

* * *

Xx Chapter 1: Ditched xX

* * *

"Link...I...see you later."

With that, the golden drop of light floated like a wayward feather, and gently touched the surface of the Twilight Mirror, which, to Zelda and Link's astonishment and alarm, broke out into a web of fine cracks which glowed hot white.

And Midna bounded up the stairs into the circle that would take her away from this place forever. She turned then, and then smiled at Link – a smile that seemed to have some secret hidden beneath it. Even as the light from the Mirror claimed her as its own, and even as the particles of her being slowly dissolved and flew into the portal that was fulfilling its purpose for the last time, those red eyes stared into the bewildered blue ones.

With a earth-shaking noise, the Twilight Mirror was shattered, its fragments blasted into oblivion and-

She was gone.

"She's gone," Link said, in a choked voice. "Forever." He staggered slightly, seeming unable to fully comprehend that fact. "How could she just leave me here? Just like that, with no warning?"

Zelda turned to him, her eyes full of concern. "Link, I'm sure Midna had her reasons. I know that you two must have been very close but-"

"That's not it," Link waved her aside. He seemed to be struggling with something. "The problem isn't that she left me; it's that she left me in the middle of the _Goddess-forsaken desert_!"

Zelda blinked, and then made a choked noise. She obviously had not realized this at all. "We...we are going to be able to get out, right?" She asked him, voice hinting at hysteria. "You do know how to return to Lanayru from the Gerudo Dessert, don't you?"

He shifted uncomfortably, the same edge of hysteria showing in his eyes. "The thing is, Midna always used to warp us out of the Desert so..."

"_We're stuck here forever_?"

"Midna, you douche..." Link muttered under his breath, as the Princess of Hyrule went into hysterics beside him. After a few moments, he deemed it appropriate to join her.

* * *

Midna, the Twilight Princess, jewel of the Twilight Realm, and beloved of the Twili, sat on her ornate ebony throne. Without warning, she snickered. Her royal retainers gave her a questioning glance.

"It's nothing," she said, with a wicked grin. "I'm just wondering how my friends in the Light Realm are enjoying my last prank on them."

One of her royal retainers sighed. "You're the same as always, your Highness."

"Yes," she agreed impishly. "And the best part is that they will never get me back for it."

* * *

After several attacks of hysteria which had seized them both, the Chosen Hero and the Princess of Hyrule sat down on the steps leading up to the frame of the shattered Twilight Mirror, and began to discuss possible methods of leaving the Gerudo Dessert.

"Are you _sure_ that you never traveled back to Lanayru by foot?" Zelda asked Link for the fifth time. He groaned.

"For the last time, yes! Zelda, can't you, you know...?" Link made a vague gesture with his hand that Zelda guessed that he meant magic by.

"Teleport us out? I don't think so..."

"Why not?" He demanded. "You could give your life force or whatever it was that you did to save Midna, and you teleported us out of Ganondorf's way when you got those Light Arrows from nowhere!"

She pulled a face. "The game would only let me do it then – for dramatic effects."

"The game would...whaa?" He gave her a mind-boggled look. "What are you talking about?"

"Never mind," Zelda said and rolled her eyes. "The point is that I can't."

"Awww, your Triforce sucks!" He moaned.

Zelda bristled at that. "Your Triforce doesn't let you do anything special either!"

"Yeah, it does!" Link argued back. "Don't knock my Triforce!"

"Then don't knock mine!" Zelda retorted. "The Triforce of Wisdom lets me use magic, even if it's only at times allowed by the game. And what does the Triforce of Courage do for _you_, pray tell?"

"It does loads of stuff! It lets me pick up the Master Sword and it lets me...um...it lets me..." He racked his brains for a few seconds before realizing that the Triforce of Courage did practically nothing for him.

Zelda smiled smugly, as she sat imperiously. "I'm waiting."

"Aww, shut up," he moaned, and then buried his face into his hands while Zelda basked in the knowledge that her Triforce was superior to Link's.

After a few moments, the two of them realized that they had gotten off topic.

"Well," Link started. "Maybe if I beat the Cave of Ordeals again, the Great Fairy will teach me Farore's Wind."

"Farore's what?" Zelda asked, confused.

Link shrugged. "You know...Farore's Wind! That move that my previous incarnation in Ocarina of Time used to make warp points in dungeons. Why are you looking at me that way?" he asked warily, after Zelda started to look at him as though he had sprouted a second head. "You use it yourself in the Super Smash Bros. Franchise. I can't. I can only use my sword, bombs, arrows, boomerang and clawshot-which-doesn't-even-go-that-far-anymore. And I got nerfed in Super Smash Bros. Brawl..." He buried his face back into his hands.

"Dear Goddesses, I think the heat got to his head already," Zelda muttered frantically under her breath. Link looked blearily up.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing, except _we've got to get out of here, and quick_!" Zelda half shrieked. And then hysteria seized both of them - again.

"Well, there's no other way," Link sighed. On the floor beside him, he had spread out his map of Hyrule – he thanked the Goddesses that Midna had at least left them that. "We're going to have to travel by foot to the mountains here," he said, pointing to the boundary line that the Gerudo Dessert and Lanayru Province shared, "then we're going to have to climb these mountains until we reach Lanayru Province. Then we can ride on Epona the rest of the way back to CastleTown."

"Why can't we ride Epona to the mountains instead of going by foot?" Zelda complained.

"The game won't let her appear in the desert," Link moaned. Zelda lifted an eyebrow. "She doesn't appear when I call for her," Link said hastily.

Zelda sighed. "Alright then, but in the mean time...how are we going to get out of the Mirror Chamber?"

"Well, we could always jump," Link said in a matter-of-fact tone, as though they weren't several stories above the ground.

"Link," Zelda said with an impatient sigh, "You may not be human, but I am."

"Well, we're technically not human, since we're Hylians-"

"You get my point. Jumping would be suicidal – for me, at least."

"I could catch you," Link offered.

She looked nervously at the ground that was far, far below. "What if you miss?"

"Miss?" He seemed highly offended that she doubted his aim. "I wouldn't miss."

"All the same, I'd rather not take my chances," Zelda said, shuddering slightly.

"If we don't jump, that means we'll have to backtrack our way through the whole dungeon," Link pointed out.

"The dungeon can't be that bad, can it?"

* * *

"How are we supposed to get past this all this quicksand?" Zelda asked Link nervously.

"By using the Spinner," Link said, and then pulled the afore-mentioned Spinner out of seemingly nowhere.

"Wait, where did you pull that out from?" Zelda asked, perplexed.

"Actually...I'm not quite sure either." He looked at the rim of his shield, and then his tunic uncertainly. "It's probably one of those things best left unexplained..."

"How exactly do you use that Spinner?" Zelda asked, eyeing the Spinner nervously.

"Like this." He stepped on top of the Spinner next to a track in the wall and with a click, it connected and he went whizzing down the track until he jumped off on the next bit of stable ground. "It's easy," he said, as he came whizzing back. Then he seemed to realize something. "Oh, wait. There's no room for you."

There was a moment of silence.

"Um, I could carry-"

"Alright, fine, we'll jump," Zelda snapped.

* * *

"This is the most suicidal thing I've ever done," Zelda muttered as she looked down at the desert ground.

"What about when we were facing Ganondorf?" Link suggested.

"Okay, fine, this is the second must suicidal thing I've ever done," she conceded.

"Anyways, I'll jump now," Link said, and then with that, he launched himself over the railing. Zelda watched anxiously as he fell down, down, down until he hit the sand. There was a muffled thumping noise and a huge cloud of sand went up, blocking him from sight.

"Link...?" she called tentatively. "Link? Are you...?"

There was a loud coughing below. "Yeah, I'm okay. There's just a lot of goddess-damned sand."

"He's a monster," she muttered under her breath as she waited for his coughing fit to stop.

"You ready?" he called.

"No, I'm not, but I'll jump anyways," she called nervously. "You will catch me, right?"

"Yeah, I will. Just jump already!"

"If I die, I'll kill you," she muttered darkly before she took in a deep breath, and then jumped. She closed her eyes tightly, and gasped in relief when she landed in Link's waiting arms.

"I cannot believe I survived that," she gasped out.

"I told you I'd catch you," Link said somewhat smugly as he lowered her to the ground.

* * *

The six sages who dwelled in the Mirror Chamber watched with some interest as the Hero of Time and the Princess of Hyrule made their death drops from the top of the tower and then started on their journey.

"I wonder why they didn't ask us to teleport them back to Castle Town?" one sage remarked to another one. The second one shrugged.

"Maybe they like jumping and suicidal treks back home."

"After all," a third piped up, "He's the bearer of the Triforce of Courage; we all know that bravery and stupidity are pretty much the same thing."

The others nodded in agreement, then watched as Link and Zelda began their long, long, long journey back home.

* * *

Yeah, so the second chapter IS ready but I'm not going to post it probably until the third chapter is done. Why? So I won't ditch this fanfic in the middle of writing it, of course, silly. Plus it's fun to torment you guys.

I bet a bunch of people are going to ask this, so before you can, no, Midna probably isn't gonna appear in any later chapters. She's already played her part - if she did any more, Link and Zelda would probably go insane.

Yes, I realize that Link and Zelda are out of character, but what else would you expect from a parody?

And, um...I think that's all I have to say. Alright. See ya when Chap 2 comes out.

~Da Scribbler


	2. Ambushed

**Midna's Final Prank**

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Zelda; that's why I'm sitting here writing this disclaimer.

**Da Scribbler says: **I'm done writing Chap 3, so as promised, here's Chap 2! Things start getting rowdy now...how, you ask? Well, why don't you read and find out?

Read, enjoy, and review!

* * *

Xx Chapter 2: Ambushed xX

* * *

"It's a bit late to start out today, so let's just settle for the night," Link said.

"Where are we supposed to sleep?" Zelda asked him.

"If I remember right, that Bulblin hideout was around here," he answered, looking around as they walked.

"Excuse me – did you say a Bulblin hideout?" Zelda asked, alarmed. "Shouldn't we be _hiding_ from it instead of _looking_ for it?"

"No, it's the hideout that I attacked ages ago," he said as they continued down the structures by the Arbiter's Grounds. "I killed them all – it should be empty now."

"You attacked a _Bulbin_ _hideout_ by _yourself_?"

He nodded absently. "Well, Midna was with me, but she didn't do anything other than nag at me, so yeah, it was just me."

"He's a monster," Zelda muttered to herself again. Link did not appear to have noticed.

"If I remember right, it should be around this corner and then...aha!" Link smiled triumphantly as they reached a number of tents and old campfires. He walked to the nearest tent, lifted the flap and looked inside. "Ugh, disgusting smell, but at least there's sleeping bags and provisions!"

"You're _certain_ there's no more Bulblins, right?" Zelda asked apprehensively, looking at the wooden towers that were placed throughout the hideout.

"Yeah, it's completely abandoned," He sat down by an old campfire with a sigh. "Ahh, I'm tired...hey, wasn't this roast turkey –pig thing here when I attacked this place? It must be weeks old by now...gross...there's some jerky though...want some, Zelda?"

Zelda sighed and sat down with him. "There's nothing better to eat...alright."

* * *

They had slept that night in separate tents ("For decency's sake," Zelda had insisted) that were right next to each other. When Link woke blearily the next morning, the first things he noticed were the horrible smell, the dirty blankets, and the face of the Bulblin that was directly over his own.

Link hollered at the top of his lungs, which caused the Bulblin to wince and retreat several steps, screaming as well. Link stumbled out of the mess of blankets, seized the hilt of the Master Sword which was propped on the tent side and cleaved the Bulblin in half with a single slice.

"Sweet, merciful Din," Link murmured to himself frantically, looking at the corpse. "Where did it come from?" Then he realized that where there was one Bulblin there were bound to be more.

"Damn it," he swore, as he frantically pulled his tunic over his undershirt and hastily belted the Master Sword and Hylian shield on his back. As he pulled his gloves and boots on, he looked around for his hat but realized it was nowhere in sight.

"Where's my hat?" he moaned, and searched the whole of the small, cramped tent. "Dammit - Zelda," he yelled as he ran outside. "We've got to go now and have you seen...?"

Directly outside his tent, there was a second Bulblin, with _his_ _hat_ on its filthy head.

When Zelda sleepily emerged from her tent, her tiara slightly askew, she was rudely awakened by a decidedly gory sight.

"Link, what in the name of the Goddesses is that?"

The Chosen Hero was currently brushing off his hat meticulously, almost tenderly with a contrastingly murderous look on his face. "A Bulblin. At least, what's left of it."

Zelda tried not to look, but she couldn't quite stop her eyes from flicking back to the bloody mess of guts and mangled limbs. Her urge to vomit was only overridden when she realized what this actually meant.

"A _Bulblin_? I thought you said this place was abandoned!" she half shrieked at Link, whose face had reverted to a sheepish look.

"Well, it was, but apparently they came back..." Link recoiled from the look on Zelda's face. If looks could kill, Link probably would have resembled the remains of the Bulblin.

"What's done is done," Link started hastily as Zelda drew in breath, presumably to shriek several insults at him. "But the point remains that we have to get out of here. Just – grab some provisions, quick, especially water, stuff them in a pack or something, and let's GO!"

Zelda paused, seemed torn between the conflicting desires to escape the hideout as soon as possible and to scream at Link, then seemed to decide on the former for she settled on only giving Link another dirty look before running back into her tent.

Link ran back inside his tent, quickly grabbed a sack, stuffed as much food as he could lay his hands on into it, as well as several waterskins. Hoisting the bag over his shoulder, he ran out of the tent again. Zelda also ran out of her tent, holding a second sack.

"Right," Link said, "Let's get going and let's hope that we don't –"

Around the wall came a pair of Bulblin sentries. They gaped at Link and Zelda for a moment before screaming, no doubt alarming other Bulblins and telling them their exact location. And exactly as Link had dreaded, half a dozen Bulblins came running at him, with yet more to come.

"- get noticed...GODDESS-DAMN IT!"

_

* * *

_

Midna

,_ I hate you, you douche bag..._ Link thought idly as he lopped off the head of a Bulblin, and then parried the blow of a Bulblin from behind before stabbing it through the heart. Really, it was all Midna's fault that he was in his current predicament – facing about a hundred Bulblins single-handedly while having to protect Zelda at the same time. If only she had teleported them back to Castle Town before making her spectacular return home...

"Then I wouldn't be dragging a princess behind me as I run for dear life!" he yelled in sheer frustration as he turned his back on the four freshly dead Bulblins and continued racing out of the hideout. He was tired and bruised, having run into about twenty Bulblins already. And goddess-damn it, but his shield and sword were _heavy_! Zelda, who was carrying both sacks since Link definitely needed both hands free at the moment, wasn't in exactly the best shape, gasping with about three stitches in each of her sides.

"Zelda, can't you run any faster?" he asked, waiting impatiently for her. "We are kind of running for our lives!"

"No, sorry," she snapped back – or at least tried to. It's not the easiest thing in the world to make a sharp retort and sound nasty when gasping for breath.

"Can't you turn into Sheik or something and make yourself useful?" Link complained.

"Turn myself into _who_?"

"Sheik! That guy you disguised yourself as in Ocarina of Time! Oh, right, that was Ocarina of Time, not this game...but you can turn into Sheik in Brawl so you _should_ be able to-"

"Link, will you please stop talking nonsense?" Zelda asked bitingly.

"Alright, fine." Link rolled his eyes, but stopped short as a fire arrow embedded itself in the ground in front of him. He blocked the next arrow with his shield, and then shot the Bulblin archer in the head with the Hero's Bow before it could notch another arrow.

"How do you do that?" Zelda asked wonderingly. "Just make the bow appear out of thin air?"

"I told you, I have no clue!"

"How can you not know when you do it all the time?"

"I don't know!" He moaned, frustrated at the recurring paradox.

"That really makes no sense," Zelda said huffily. Link sighed mournfully.

"I know. Let's keep going."

The next corner however was a dead end. Link moaned and frantically reviewed his mental map of the Bulblin hideout while Zelda said something that princesses really weren't supposed to say. And to make things worse, another group of Bulblins came charging at them, two of them mounted on a Bullbo, those boars that Bulblins so dearly loved to ride.

_I hate you, Midna, I truly do._

* * *

Link slammed the blade of the Master Sword into the ground, leaning heavily on it as he panted. Littered around him were fifteen more freshly killed Bulblins. The Bullbo stood to the side, grunting slightly in fear. Link had had to shoot the Bulblins riding the brutish boar with arrows – there was no way he would have been able to face it head on while it was charging at him.

"Oh my goddess, we're going to die," Link panted weakly, sweat running down his forehead.

"Link, are you okay?" Zelda asked him concerned. He felt a twinge of irritation. Of course he wasn't okay! He had just had to fight fifteen Bulblins single-handed! He hadn't seen Zelda kill any Bulblins – although he had to admit, she had been more useful than Midna. She had knocked two of them unconscious with one of their own clubs.

"Dead tired...get...fairy spirit...in my bottle..." he said weakly in between gasps. He let go of the Master Sword's hilt and collapsed, sitting with his back leaning on the blade.

Zelda looked at him, bewildered. "_How_?" She searched his tunic for pockets, but there were none. His pouch held bombs, and there really was nothing behind his shield. She even pulled off his hat, much to his annoyance and checked the depths of it.

He grunted and grimaced. "Never mind. I'll get it myself." And then he procured the bottle out of nowhere, weakly pulled out the stop and let the fairy spirit rejuvenate him with a sigh of relief. Then he put the bottle away again.

Zelda made a frustrated noise. "_How do you do that_?" She prodded his stomach. He grunted slightly.

"I swear that was where you pulled that bottle out from! And then you put it away there again!" She poked him harder as if by poking a hole through his gut she could see how he managed to make his various items appear and disappear instantaneously.

"Stop poking me!" Link grunted, getting to his feet. "Let's just get going before any more Bulblins can get here."

"I think it's already too late for that," Zelda said in a melancholy tone. Right on cue, yet another group of Bulblins came running in, shrieking in astonishment and defiance. "We're going to die now, aren't we?"

"No, not necessarily," Link said before he suddenly grabbed Zelda, who screamed in surprise, lifted her onto the boar, swung the sacks full of provisions on as well, then jumped on the Bullbo himself, with the Master Sword in hand. The Bullbo snorted in alarm while the Bulblins stopped to stare in amazement. Link quickly tied the sacks onto the boar so that they wouldn't fall off, then sheathed the Master Sword and yelled, "Hang on tight Zelda!" before he kicked the spurs onto the Bullbo's sides.

The Bullbo trumpeted a snarl, and reared up so that Link and Zelda had to clutch the reins and its long, rough hair desperately to stay on its back. With a thundering slam, it brought its hoofs back to the earth, lowered its head with tusks each as long as Link's forearm – and then charged.

Bulblins are naturally stupid creatures, so while half of them had enough sense to duck out of the way, the other half remained rooted in position with mouths open slackly, only to be run over and flattened by the Bullbo.

Link could've laughed at the stupidity of the creatures, but he was a bit preoccupied with clinging on to the charging boar for dear life.

"HOW DO YOU STEER THIS THING?" Zelda screamed over the noise of the Bullbo crushing everything in sight, from wooden towers to the Bulblin stupid enough to stand in its way.

"I DON'T!" Link hollered back. "I PRAY TO THE GODDESSES THAT IT'LL GET US OUT OF HERE IN ONE PIECE!"

* * *

The Bullbo had gotten them out of the Bulblin base alright; however they still had two very big problems.

1) The Bulblins had continued to chase them out of the hideout, and were hot on their heels.

2) The stupid boar was heading straight towards a chasm in the desert.

"LINK, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T GET US OUT OF THIS ALIVE!" Zelda shrieked as they raced towards their deaths while Bulblins continued to chase them with mindless screams.

"BUT YOU CAN'T KILL ME IF-"

"I DON'T CARE, I'LL STILL FIND A WAY TO KILL YOU!"

* * *

The mob of Bulblins followed the two escaping Hylians; some of them were simply bloodthirsty. Others had seen Zelda's tiara and were seized by a sudden lust for wealth. And then there were those who had no clue what was going on, but decided to follow the crowd.

And none of them realized that they were headed straight for a gaping hole in the desert ground.

Dimly, they heard Link shout something to Zelda, who had shrieked something back in response. They did not take the time to process it through their small brains, since after all, they were busy chasing them. Over the noise, they heard Link scream:

"THREE…TWO…ONE…NOW!"

The two Hylians jumped off the Bullbo about two feet before it fell into the gaping hole. Link had quickly claw-shoted the sacks attached to the Bullbo's's back but then Zelda screamed, "_My tiara_!"

The tiara had slipped off when she jumped and was now falling into the hole along with the stupid boar which had rushed headlong to its death. The Bulblins who had seen Zelda jump off had hesitated, but then continued running as they saw the glittering tiara fall into that gaping mouth in the sand.

However, Link had, with a slight sigh, secured the tiara with his second claw-shot and caught it before it fell.

Thus it was that half the Bulblins ran into the hole because they thought that Link and Zelda were still on the Bullbo, and the other half ran into the hole because they had seen the tiara fall in and _none_ of them had stopped to realize that when you ran into a chasm that you couldn't see the bottom of, it was also known as "suicide".

That is, none of them except the Bulblin tagging along at the very end of the mob, which had had enough time to process the implications of this chase through its head. It stopped at the edge of the hole, watching dumbly as its fellow Bulblins fell into the chasm, and then turned around.

Then he saw Link draw the Master Sword, and in its dumb little brain, it realized dimly that if he got stabbed by the sharp length of metal in the Hylian's hand, it would hurt quite a lot. With a scared cry, it turned around again and began to run away, only to realize that it had just run into the hole.

* * *

I simply love this chapter - especially the part where the Bulblin steals Link's hat. I simply cannot take credit for the idea, it was so ingenious - thank you, Zubi! This fanfic wouldn't be the same without your crazy ideas in it.

Yes, I have made the Bulblins supremely retarded. You've got to admit, it's pretty believable that they would run into a hole. They _are _really dumb, after all -_-. Besides, it was funny. This whole chapter existed because of them.

And again, I ain't posting Chap 3 til 4 is done. I know you hate me for it, but hey - life is unfair.

~Da Scribbler


	3. The Gerudoless Desert

**Midna's Final Prank**

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Zelda; that's why I'm sitting here writing this disclaimer.

**Da Scribbler Says**: Well, actually, Chap 4 isn't done yet, but it's been a while since I updated so...yeah. Besides, I'm pretty damned sick right now, and I could do with the reviews to make me feel better. ...you _will _review, won't you?

Yes, I have quite a few issues with the fact that the Gerudo Desert is in fact Gerudo-less, which accounts for Link's ranting and the chap title.

Read, enjoy, and review!

* * *

Xx Chapter 3: The Gerudo-less Desert xX

* * *

"Hey, Zelda...," Link started, with a slight frown on his face.

It had been three days since their run-in with the mob of Bulblins and as far as Zelda could tell, they were getting nowhere closer to Lanayru. All she could see was sand, sand and more sand in every direction. All too frequently, a Moldorm would leap out of the sand, which Link would almost lazily kill with a flick of the Master Sword.

Mostly, their days were spent in tedious fashion: mostly just walking through the huge expanse of sand. With no tents, they were forced to simply sleep out in the open. With this constant monotone, Link and Zelda spent most of their days talking about the most trivial trivialities of their world.

Such as this one:

"Why is this place called Gerudo Valley?"

"Why do you always ask me random questions?" Zelda asked wearily. The last few days had been simply nightmarish for her. Princesses of Sacred Lands are seldom required to jump from high towers, escape from mobs of Bulblins on the back of a raging Bullbo, and travel through hot, sandy deserts for days on end. She pulled up on the ragged hem of her long not-so-white-anymore dress; she would definitely never be able to wear this dress again.

Link shrugged. "I'm bored. So, do you know the answer? Or is your Triforce all bark and no bite?" Clearly, Link still hadn't got over the inferiority of his Triforce; he seemed half hopeful that Zelda wouldn't know the answer.

Zelda glared at him. "For your information, the Gerudo Dessert was named after the race that lived here, the Gerudos."

"What's a Gerudo? And how come I've never seen one in _Gerudo _Desert?"

"They were a race consisting of all women. It would seem that they died out a century ago, but the name stuck."

"Oh," Link said dismissively. "Well, then, I'm kind of surprised they didn't die out sooner."

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"Well, if they were all females, that would mean there were no males and well, um," he fumbled, ears turning red. "Then they couldn't have, you know...reproduced." He coughed uncomfortably, and looked away.

"Oh." It was Zelda's turn to go red. "Well, um, it seems that to, um...create the next generation, they would kidnap males from other races so they could..." She left the sentence trailing delicately.

"Anyways," Zelda hurried on, trying to break the awkward silence, "It's not entirely true that there were no males. Every hundred years, a Gerudo boy was born, and he was their King."

"Is that so?" Link said, seizing the opportunity to move past the delicate subject of how babies are made.

Zelda nodded and her eyes turned thoughtful. "Apparently, Ganondorf was the last Gerudo King, and the last Gerudo in general."

Link processed that for a moment. "Wait, would that mean that five days ago, I just wiped out the Gerudo race?"

Zelda paused, dumbstruck. "It...would seem so."

There was a moment of silence.

"Well, what nobody knows can't hurt them," Link said hurriedly.

* * *

"Link, we're out of food and we're almost out of water," Zelda fretted that evening. Link moaned, and then scratched his head thoughtfully.

"Well, seeing as we'll reach the Cave of Ordeals by tomorrow, we can fill up on water there," Link suggested.

"Didn't you say the first water pool was on the tenth floor?"

"Yeah, it is, but the first ten floors really aren't a big deal." He waved it off as if facing ten floors full of monsters was an everyday happening – well, for him, it was.

"If you say so. But in the meanwhile, what are we going to eat for tonight?" Zelda asked moodily. Link's own stomach grumbled rather loudly at that moment.

Link sighed before getting to his feet with Master Sword in his left hand and a claw-shot in the other. "I was hoping that we wouldn't have to resort to this. Moldorms taste _horrible_, and Leevers are even worse."

* * *

Both of them ate dinner rather listlessly that night. Zelda poked the shell of her Moldorm as though not entirely certain it was dead while Link choked down the tough Leever plant-animal thing – he still wasn't sure whether they were plants or animals.

It was dark by the time that Link doused their small cooking fire, and he sighed long-sufferingly as Zelda announced, "I want the sleeping bag tonight."

She spoke of the sleeping bag in the singular because there was only _one_ sleeping bag – Link's sleeping bag. In their rush to leave the Bulblin hide-out, neither of them had thought to steal a second sleeping bag for Zelda. Therefore, they had been having this argument every night since escaping the Bulblin base.

"Zelda, you got it last night," Link pointed out. "It's _my _turn."

"I'm the princess here – shouldn't you be acting more chivalrous?" Zelda complained. "You're the Hero here, sworn to protect the princess and all, so you should be offering me the sleeping bag!"

"But it's _cold _at night!" Link whined. "I was freezing last night!"

"And it won't be freezing for me? You're the one wearing the tunic and long sleeved shirts! My dress isn't exactly the warmest thing!"

"The warm clothes don't really come in handy during the day, you know. We _are _in the middle of the Goddess-damned desert."

Zelda stamped her foot in frustration. "I want the sleeping bag! Why won't you be an obedient subject and just give it to your princess?"

"Why can't we just share it?" Link asked.

Zelda's face turned red and she gave him a livid look. "_For the last time, NO!"_

"I don't mean it like that!" Link protested and cringed, retreating several steps. "It's just; we both want the sleeping bag! If I get it, you'll nag at me all the next day-"

"I do _not _nag-"

"-and I don't want to sleep out on the sand!" he continued in a panicked tone. "It's not like we're going to do anything, so-"

"_WE ARE _NOT _SLEEPING IN THE SAME SLEEPING BAG! END OF DISCUSSION!"_

* * *

Link sneezed, and glared resentfully at the bundle of blankets that was Zelda, sleeping in warm, peaceful oblivion.

"I hate this Goddess-forsaken desert, I hate you, Zelda and above all, I hate you, Midna," Link mumbled savagely, before he rolled over and tried futilely to fall asleep.

* * *

"Finally!" Link collapsed onto a stone, exhausted. Zelda plopped down on another stone with just a little more grace. "The Cave of Ordeals!"

"Link," she gasped. "Are you sure you're in any state to go through ten floors of this place?"

"Yeah, I should be good."

"Alright." Zelda looked up at the sun, then at the desert and shuddered slightly. "I'm coming in with you."

"What?" Link shouted in disbelief. "You are aware that the Cave of Ordeals is full of monsters, right?"

Zelda sighed and nodded. "Yes, but it's too damned hot out here. It'll at least be shady down there. Plus, you never know, the Great Fairy might have an extra dress on her or something." She gestured to her dirty and torn dress.

Link made a face. "I highly doubt that. The Great Fairy doesn't really wear clothes..."

"Oh," Zelda said awkwardly. "Okay, then so much for the dress. I'm still coming in though."

Link gave up. "Okay, fine. Don't jump into the next room until I'm done though. It's hard enough fighting without having to protect you at the same time."

"Are you implying that I'm useless?" Zelda asked, with a steely edge to her tone. Link gulped.

"N-no, it's just...let's go, let's go!" He stammered hastily before running down the steps.

"Is it always so dark in here?" Zelda asked Link in a hushed voice as they entered the Cave of Ordeals.

"Yeah," Link whispered back as he pulled the Master Sword from its sheath and griped his shield in his right hand. "And why are we whispering?"

"I have no clue," Zelda said, this time at a conversational volume. Link rolled his eyes.

"Right, so I'm going to jump down first. After I've killed all of the monsters, you can jump down too," he said, and then he was gone.

"Wait, exactly how high up am I?" Zelda called, looking down, and then gulped at the seven metre jumping distance. "Link, how in the name of Nayru do I get down?"

"Hm?" He looked up, having already killed the Bokoblins in the room. "You jump, of course."

"Are you sure there's no ladder or something?" Zelda asked desperately.

"There's no ladder," Link confirmed. He frowned upwards at Zelda, although he knew that she couldn't possibly see him in the dark. "Zelda, its only seven metres."

"_Only?" _Her voice shot up two octaves.

"C'mon! You jumped from the Mirror Chamber and this isn't nearly as bad!" Link sighed. "If you don't jump, I'll just ditch you up there."

"Alright, fine, I'm jumping but catch me!"

"Again?"

"Yes, again - just catch me!"

"Wait, Zelda, I can't see-" he started but she had already jumped and ended up landing on top of Link, who collapsed under her.

"Link?" she asked apprehensively, unable to see in the dark. "Are you okay?"

"No, I am not okay," came the muffled reply; it sounded like his face was shoved against the floor. "Now get off my back!"

* * *

"Welcome, Hero," the softly echoing of the light that was the Great Fairy greeted Link as he jumped down from the floor above.

"Yeah, thanks," Link said absentmindedly, looking up at the floor above. "Okay, Zelda, you can jump now." There was a scuffling from above and then the Princess of Hyrule suddenly landed into Link's arms.

"Never," Zelda started wearily as Link lowered her to the ground, "never, ever again do I want to have to make jumps of more than three metres."

"Cucco," Link muttered. Zelda glared at him and smacked the side of his head.

"I am not a cucco! And what kind of Hero goes around calling their Princess names?" she demanded crossly.

"But you are a cucco – it was only seven metres!" Link snorted.

Zelda did not respond in words, but she snatched his hat from his head.

"HEY! Give me my hat back!" Link shouted. He made a lunge for it, but Zelda ran out of his reach.

"Apologize for calling me a cucco!" she demanded smugly.

"No! It's not like you can do anything to it anyways, since your magic isn't working!"

"Oh, isn't it?" she replied blandly as sparks suddenly appeared in her hand which she raised suggestively to rest a few inches away from Link's floppy green hat which suddenly seemed entirely too flammable.

Link stared at her with horror. "You wouldn't _dare...!_"

"Now say sorry otherwise you can say goodbye to your hat!"

"That's fighting dirty!" Link yelled, torn between his desire to save his hat and his pride. Zelda merely brought her hand a little closer to the green hat.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he relented. With a satisfied smile, Zelda lowered her hand. Then he tackled her.

"What are you doing-?"

"Give me back my hat!"

"You're supposed to ask _nicely!_"

"Ask nicely? You were going to set it on fire!"

"Well, you called me a cucco-"

The Great Fairy watched as the two of them fought over the hat. "Would you two like some time alone, perhaps...?"

"What?" Then they realized the suggestive position they were in, with Link trying to overpower Zelda. With a yelp, they scampered away from the other, both letting go of the hat. He quickly picked up his beloved hat, and began to brush the dirt off it carefully; he might have been a mother crooning a lullaby to her baby.

"No, we're just here for water," Link said quickly is response to the Great Fairy's question.

The soft masses of light in the pool flickered slightly and then they drew together and solidified into the shape of the Great Fairy, her nudity hidden by a short skirt and her flowing hair. She was about to speak then, but was cut off by Link.

"I told you, she doesn't really wear clothes! There really was no point in you coming down here!"

"Well, I still didn't want to stay in the heat!"

"Clothes?" inquired the Great Fairy. Zelda nodded and gestured to the sad state of her dress. "Well, actually, I _do _have some clothes on me."

"What?" Link screamed in disbelief. "If you have clothes, then why do you go around like _that_ all the time?"

The Great Fairy shrugged. "Barely anyone ever comes down here anyways, and clothes are such a bother – they just get in the way."

"_Get in the way_?" Link spluttered.

"Well, they do!" the Great Fairy said defensively. "Why are you so worked up over a few pieces of fabric anyways?"

"Because normal people don't go around nude!" Link seemed overly upset over the Great Fairy's disregard for clothing for some reason.

The Great Fairy frowned slightly and crossed her arms. "I really don't see why you are getting so worked up over this. _I _dress much more decently than my counterparts in Ocarina of Time."

Link looked sceptical. "I highly doubt that you can get any scantier than you are."

The Great Fairy's eyes grew flinty. "I'll make you a deal. I'm going to assume the guise of one of the Great Fairies in Ocarina of Time. If you're right, I'll teleport you straight back to Castle Town. If you're wrong, then you have to admit that you were wrong."

Link grinned. "Sure. Now do your worst!"

* * *

"I told you so," the Great Fairy said with an air of great satisfaction when she resumed her own form. "Now, admit you were wrong."

Link did not seem quite capable of saying anything at the moment; he looked as though he was having difficulty simply keeping a coherent train of thought. His eyes bulged in shock, and his mouth opened and closed like that of a gaping fish, making disconnected strangled noises at intervals.

The Great Fairy frowned dangerously. "We had a bet. You have to keep up your end."

Link choked out something that sounded something like, "Scandalous...ivy...nudity..." and then seemed incapable of further words.

"Just give him a few moments to collect his thoughts," Zelda suggested hastily. "Now, can we get to the clothing?"

* * *

"So, Zelda, is there anything in particular that you would like?" the Great Fairy asked politely.

"Hmm..." Zelda pursed her lips thoughtfully as she looked down the rows and columns of clothes. "I never knew that Great Fairies had bedroom-sized closets full of clothes."

The Great Fairy sniffed. "Naturally. I _am _a girl, after all."

"Indeed," Zelda nodded sagely. "Clothes are quite indispensable. But who would have ever thought that on the tenth floor of the Cave of Ordeals, there was a secret door leading to the Great Fairy's closet, kitchen and personal chambers?"

"That's exactly the point – no one ever does."

"Clever. At any rate, I believe I'll just take these." She pulled out a simple tunic and a pair of leggings. It was more or less identical to Link's outfit, except her tunic was purple, not green.

"Those?" The Great Fairy frowned. "Are you sure you wouldn't have something like this?" An elaborately embroidered silk dress appeared instantly in her hands, rather like how Link's items popped in and out of existence.

"You can do it too?" Zelda asked in wonder.

"Do what?"

"Make your various possessions appear out of nowhere!"

"Why, yes."

"But, how? I've been asking _him-"_ she gestured towards Link, who was outside by the Fairy's pool, still "-for days now, and he doesn't know!"

"Oh, it's very easy, really. You just press the minus button on the Wiimote – or up on the D-Pad if you are playing the Gamecube version - and then the items menu pops up. Then you move the cursor to the item you want-"

"Wait, what?" Zelda exclaimed, holding up her hands to indicate the Great Fairy to stop. "Press the minus button on the Wiimote? The items menu? What are you talking about?"

"Never mind," the Great Fairy sighed. "You wouldn't be able to do it, anyways. Now, back to the clothing...how about this?"

A white satin gown, reminiscent of a wedding gown.

"I'm not becoming a bride any time soon. No thank you."

"I also have this." A shocking pink dress, lacy and frilly, as well as a matching pink umbrella. There was also a glittering crown with a blue jewel set into it and two blue ball earrings. The whole ensemble looked rather like...

"Isn't that Princess Peach's dress? From the Mario series?"

"Actually, yes."

"Why in the name of Farore do _you _have it on you?"

"For anime conventions, of course."

"...okay, never mind. And I don't want it anyways, or any of the other clothing. There'd be no point in wearing something fancy; it'd only be ruined by travel."

"If you were only going to take something like that, why didn't you just borrow a tunic from him?" the Great Fairy asked exasperatedly, gesturing towards Link, who was still recovering from their bet.

Zelda grimaced. "He only has the one set."

"Really? I thought his clothes would be ruined by now."

Zelda shrugged helplessly. "I don't understand it either. One minute, his tunic will be ripped or blood-stained. Next minute, it's back to normal!"

"It's probably a magic tunic, then."

"Why in the name of the Goddesses would anybody enchant an article of clothing?"

"Only the Goddesses know."

* * *

After refilling their water, thanking the Great Fairy, and – in Link's case – admitting they were wrong, Link and Zelda continued on their weary travels throughout the Gerudo Desert.

"They really shouldn't call this place the Gerudo Desert anymore," Link said. He had been unable to let the matter rest for some reason and kept bringing it up. "It's technically the Gerudo-_less _Desert, now. Why won't they correct that?"

"Does it really matter?" Zelda asked, with a roll of her eyes.

"Yes!" Link argued back heatedly. "Names are supposed to make sense and naming it Gerudo Desert when there are in fact no longer any Gerudos is a dumb, pointless name that makes no sense and it should instantly be corrected otherwise people will be confused because it makes no sense while names are _supposed _to make sense and-"

Zelda moaned and covered her ears. "Fine! Will it make you feel better if I rename the stupid desert when we get back to Castle Town?"

Link considered the prospect. "Yeah, I think so."

"Good! Now stop going on about it! Din, you nag worse than a woman!" Then Zelda started to moan loudly. "Goddess-damn it! When are we going to get out of this bloody desert?"

Link nodded and made a face. "And I'm tired of Moldorms and Leevers. That damned Fairy wouldn't let us have any of her food...stingy..."

Suddenly, Zelda gasped and clutched at his arm. "Look!" she exclaimed, pointing excitedly at the distance.

Link squinted. "Hey, isn't that a...?"

"A Bullbo!" Zelda nodded fervently. "You realize what this means?"

"Hell, yeah!" And without any further words, Link suddenly shot a bomb arrow at the Bullbo which was suddenly lost from sight in the sudden cloud of black smoke and thunderous boom that went off.

"Alright, I hit it!" Link said happily. Zelda seemed to freeze, horror struck.

"Link..." she choked out, and then her voice climbed into a screech. "_WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO THAT?"_

"What?" Link asked, bewildered and suddenly intimidated by the furious, almost demented look Zelda now fixed him with. "Didn't you want to eat it?"

"_EAT IT? WE COULD HAVE RIDDEN THAT OUT OF THE DESERT!"_

Link blinked. "Oh. I guess I never thought of that."

"_YOU _IDIOT!_" _Zelda proceeded to beat every inch of Link that she could reach.

"Ow, I'm sorry, I was hungry!" Link yelled, trying to run away from her wild wrath. "What's done is done! At least we have something decent to eat for dinner!"

"_Something decent to eat?_ _YOU BURNED IT TO A CRISP!"_

"Y-you can't know that!"

As it turns out, Zelda was right. The blackened remains of the Bullbo would have been about as tasty as a lump of charcoal.

"_Now we have to spend THREE MORE DAYS walking through this GODDESS-DAMNED HELLHOLE OF A DESERT!" _Zelda shrieked, still beating the living shit out of the cowering form that was Link. _"Triforce of Courage? More like Triforce of STUPIDITY!"_

* * *

"I am a stupid idiot."

"Yes."

"I am a moron that even a Bulblin could outsmart."

"Correct."

"I deserve to be eaten alive by rats and Keese."

"Yes, you do."

"I am the sorriest creature to have ever been in your most divine presence and shall go down in history as the Chosen Idiot."

"Absolutely."

"Now, can I please, please, _please _get the sleeping bag tonight?"

"No." She snuggled deeper into the blankets, with her back deliberately turned on him.

Link could have cried, right there, right then.

* * *

The Princess Peach thing was a spur of the moment thing. I have this thing against her, well, that is, when comparing her to Zelda. Peach is completely useless -___- all she does is get kidnapped by Bowser and yell "Mario! _Mario! _SAVE ME!"

And yes, I have issues with the OoT Great Fairies. Those things are freakin _scary_, and you can't change my mind about that (especially not you, ChaosxPaladin). Their laughter creeps me out to no end.

Credit to Zubi for the sleeping bag argument. For a dog, you're pretty smart. =3

See ya when Chap 4 is done which may or may not be in the near future. And before you exit this page, REVIEW!

~Da Scribbler


	4. Extreme Sports

**Midna's Final Prank**

**Disclaimer: **Nope, don't own Zelda. If you're looking for the owner's, you'd best go somewhere else to look. Start in Japan.

**Da Scribbler is pissed. **Yes, I am pissed. _WHY _did I only get ONE review for chap 3? Why? WHY? You guys suck...(No, kidding, you guys rock, you just could've been quicker on the uptake...)

Anyways, so now I am pissed and discouraged. Hope you guys feel proud because that'll probably mean a long wait til Chap 5 because I'm often irrationally moody like that...yep.

You guys better review this chapter. I mean that.

* * *

Xx Chapter 4: Extreme Sports xX

* * *

"Thank the Goddesses!" Zelda sighed as they finally reached the foothills of the mountains that separated the Gerudo Dessert and Lanayru Province.

Link wasn't in such an optimistic mood. "Sure, we're out of the damned Gerudo-less Desert, but now we have to climb these mountains."

"Well, I'd much rather climb these mountains than go through that hellhole behind us again," Zelda said. "The game never really went into detail about what was in those mountains. There'll probably be nothing dangerous at all up there."

"True that," Link agreed, brightening up. "That confounded fanfic writer probably can't think of a single miserable thing to inflict upon us while we're up there."

* * *

(A/N: To be fair, Link was quite right. Da Scribbler could _not _think of a single miserable thing to inflict upon the Chosen Hero and the Princess of Hyrule while they go mountain climbing. That is why Da Scribbler enlisted the help of her friends for this chapter.)

* * *

On the other side of the mountain border, Fyer of Lake Hylia was enjoying the splendid weather. Presently, he walked outside and looked admiringly at the monstrous cannon that now occupied a new raft by his home.

"Ah, your best work yet, old chap!" he complimented himself, smiling widely. "With this, my customers will all come swarming back! Especially that young fellow in green with the oversized sword. What was his name...Lint? No, no. Rink? No, not that either...Link? Yes, it was Link," he said to himself, looking mournfully at the empty Lake. "Although come to think it, what kind of a name is Link? Who names their child Link, of all things?"

He shook his head over the impracticality of it all and then walked over to the gigantic cannon, checking every last screw and bolt of it lovingly before declaring, "Perfect! Now, time to do a few test run-throughs..."

While he loaded the cannon laboriously, he chuckled to himself and congratulated himself on his own genius again. "This will definitely bring in the customers. Genius, Fyer, that's what you are. Who could possibly resist being blasted by cannon over to those mountains over there? Wonder what's on those mountains, anyways. Nobody ever seems to have climbed those mountains by Gerudo Desert."

* * *

"Did you hear something?" Link suddenly asked, with his head turned to look in the direction of Lake Hylia.

"No..." Zelda started slowly. "By "something", just what do you mean? You didn't hear Bulblins or other monsters did you?" She looked nervously behind her. "If there are more Bulblins on this mountain, I swear..."

"No, not Bulblins," Link said. He was still looking uncertainly in the direction of Lake Hylia. "Maybe it was just my imagination, but I thought I heard a cannon or something."

"A cannon?" Zelda asked sceptically.

Link nodded slowly. "Coming from Lake Hylia."

"Link, how could you possibly have heard a cannon from that far away in the first place?"

He shrugged and then pulled at the tips of one of his pointed ears. "Because I'm a Hylian? You know, those rumours that the pointed ears allow us to have superhuman hearing or something like that."

"Actually, the rumours were that Hylians can hear the words of the Goddesses, remember? And I'm a Hylian too, and I didn't hear anything."

"Maybe it was just my imagina..." Without warning, Link's expression suddenly grew panicked and he roughly pulled Zelda down so that the both of them lay flat on the mountain ground.

"OW! Link, what in the name of Nayru are you-?"

Zelda's indignant protestation was suddenly cut off by a deafening explosion in the mountain side about four metres from where they were.

"What in Hyrule...?"

"I _knew _I heard something!" Link yelled. He leaped to his feet and ran over to the ravaged side of the mountain. "I _knew _it! Look at this, a cannon ball! A_ cannon ball! _From _Lake Hylia_! Fyer, you nutter!"

"Who's Fyer...?" started a bewildered Zelda, but Link's head suddenly snapped to look at Lake Hylia again.

"For the love of Farore – he fired _again_?" Link yelled. He grabbed Zeldas hand and tugged impatiently. "Stop gawking, let's go, let's go, let's _go _before we get hit by the next cannon ball!"

"I-I think...we're safe," Link wheezed, releasing Zelda's hand and collapsed onto a rock, "f-for now, at least."

"I _hope _so," Zelda gasped, clutching at her sides. "Sweet Nayru, Link, but you have _horrible _luck."

"What? No I don't!"

"Yes, you do," Zelda retorted. "Face it. First of all, you get ditched in the middle of the Gerudo Desert."

"That's only because Midna's a complete jerk," he growled.

"Alright, fine. What about the Bulblin camp, then? The Bulblins just happened to come to reclaim their hideout the one morning we were there!"

"That was only one time..." he attempted to protest but Zelda pushed on determinedly, her voice raising; _was _she working herself into a screaming fit? He certainly hoped not.

"Then you decide to mount the idiotic Bullbo that nearly ran us into a hole!"

"Bullbo's are just stupid! It could've happened to anyon-"

"_Then _you decide to make that stupid wager with the Great Fairy that accomplished nothing other than scarring you for life." Her voice had reached the octave mark now, and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon.

"I am not scarred for life! Just...severely...traumatized..."

"And _now," _Zelda continued, eyes blazing now, "you nearly get us blasted into smithereens by cannonballs! Honestly! _Everything _that has happened was a direct effect of _your _stupidity! It's fine when it's just _you _who has to suffer, but now _I _have to get dragged into this crap too!"

"Aren't princesses supposed to mind their langua-?"

"Shut up!" She shrieked. "This is entirely your fault anyhow! What kind of Chosen Hero drags the Princess into danger! I hate you!"

"Why am _I _getting blamed for everything!" Link moaned piteously. "It's all that goddess-damned fanfic writer's fault, her and her stupid friends' faults for writing this! Din! I _hate _fanfic writers – why won't they create their own characters to poke fun at and torture? _Why me?_"

"_Because you deserve to suffer!_" Zelda screamed at him. "You are a useless, pathetic excuse for a Chosen Hero! I hope you die!" With that, she sighed huffily, and crossed her arms and legs tightly while glaring daggers at Link.

A few minutes passed that way in silence. Link fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Are you done sulking?" he asked at last.

Zelda closed her eyes and sighed. "Yeah."

"Good, I can't _stand _it when you throw hissy fits-"

"_Hissy fits?" _Zelda's eyes went flat.

"Yes, hissy fits. Now, we have to get going. I don't want to get hit by a cannonball."

"No." She retightened the crossing of her arms and legs.

"Alright, let's – what do you mean, no?"

"No, I am not getting up," Zelda declared. "Not until you apologize."

Link gave her a half-outraged, half-exasperated look. "_Apologize? _For what?"

"For saying I throw hissy fits."

"But you called me a useless, pathetic excuse for a Hero!" Link spluttered furiously. "Yet you don't see me demanding apologies!"

"Well, _I'm _the princess here, so I think I get some privileges," she said imperiously.

Link glared at her furiosuly, and then threw his hands into the air helplessly. "Argh, fine! I'm sorry that I said you throw hissy fits! Farore! Now will you please get up so we can leave?"

Zelda thought about it for a moment. "No."

"_Now what?" _Link yelled.

"I'm tired," Zelda yawned slightly. She held up her arms, and beckoned to him imperiously. "Carry me."

"_What?" _Link screamed. "_No!"_

"Well, I'm not moving from this spot unless you carry me."

"Fine! See if I care!" Link yelled at her. "It's not as if I have to bring you with me! I'll leave you right here!"

Zelda smirked. "Right. As if the fanfic writer will let you. She's a rabid LinkxZelda fangirl, remember?" Zelda pulled a face slightly at the thought. "She'll never let you go without me."

"Watch me!" Link yelled stubbornly. He leapt to his feet and began walking stiffly away. "I _am _going to ditch you! Just see if I don't!"

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Good luck trying."

"I _will! _I _am! _See? I'm already two metres away! No invisible wall yet! No random hand pushing me back towards you! Five metres now! Ha! There's not a single thing stopping me from just leaving you up here on the mountains! Good riddance, too! Ten metres! I'm going to turn around this corner now! I'll never see you again! Bye, you spoiled princess!"

Zelda sat on her rock and waited patiently. She hummed to herself and murmured, "Three...two...one..."

A dejected Link came stamping reluctantly back. "Goddess-damn it."

Zelda smirked at him. "I told you so."

* * *

"It was the _weirdest _thing," Link fumed as he laboriously continued up the mountain path with the Princess of Hyrule on his back. "As soon as I reached this point, this weird compulsion came over me and I _couldn't _go any further. It was like my feet were rooted in place. So I _tried _to leave you behind – believe you me, I tried _hard _- but when I finally got my feet to move, I realized that I was moving in the wrong direction. I was moving _back_. That's when I realized that I just couldn't ditch you. Goddess-damn it all."

"I told you so," Zelda said again serenely. "Now stop talking – you need to save your breath for getting us out of here."

Link muttered something angrily under his breath.

"What was that?" Zelda asked with transparent innocence.

"Nothing."

"Oh, shit," Link cursed as the ground behind him crumbled. He looked at the resultant chasm unhappily. "Can't go back now..._and _we can't climb over that mound of rocks. Great..."

"Look, I can see Lake Hylia!" Zelda said excitedly, pointing over the top of Link's head. He grunted.

"I can see it fine. Are you gonna get off me now?"

"No, I don't think so," Zelda said sweetly. "Thank you ever so much for carrying me."

"I hate you," Link said nastily.

"Why, I hate you too. I'm so happy we understand each other."

"I'll drop you, I swear I will."

"Whatever. So, how much longer is it going to take to get out of these mountains?"

"A few days, at the least?"

"A few days!" Zelda exclaimed. "What will we eat?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"Oh, great answer," Zelda snapped.

"I don't see you coming up with any great ideas either. Does that Triforce of Wisdom actually do anything or is it just for show?"

"At least I don't have the Triforce of Stupidity."

Link suddenly screamed a certain word that starts with "f" and ends with "k".

Zelda blinked. "You didn't have to get _that _upset. I wasn't serious."

"No, not that!" Link shouted, staring down at Lake Hylia in horror. "It's only that _Fyer fired again straight at us!" _

"_What?" _Zelda shrieked. She scrambled off his back and whipped her head around frantically. "But we're stuck!"

"I know," Link moaned.

"_What do we do now?_" Zelda screamed, seizing at the front of his shirt and shaking him.

"Well, seeing as we have about ten more seconds before we get hit by that cannonball and we almost certainly die either way, I say we jump."

"Into the _lake? Are you crazy? Wait - what in NAYRU – let GO –"_

Link had suddenly grabbed Zelda and was making as if to throw her over – in fact, Zelda was quite sure he was about to throw her over and began to scream hysterically.

"_PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT-"_

"Right, so I really hope you survive 'cause if you don't, then I'm dead," Link told her before he heaved the completely horrified princess over the precipice.

"Alright, my turn – _please, _Farore, _please –"_

And he jumped.

Link heard the deafening impact of cannonball against mountain side mere seconds after his feet left the ground and for a moment, he was nothing but relieved. Then that horrid plummeting feeling seized him and he realized exactly where he was – that was, in the middle of the air and several leagues above any ground – and began to holler at the top of his lungs.

* * *

"Aha!" Fyer grinned as he viewed the satisfying crunch of his cannonball hitting the mountain. "Yes, yes, my cannon is working beautifully. Now, it'll be soon now, oh goodness, yes, when my customers all come – Sweet Nayru! What was that_?"_

For at that moment, a terrific splashing noise and a tremendous torrent of water came up as something fell from the sky into the Lake. Fyer stared in astonishment. A long moment later, two objects submerged from the lake. It looked like...two heads? Dear Farore, two _people _had fallen into the lake from Goddesses know how high up? Did those two have a death wish?

"Wait...that green hat...isn't that that Link fellow? The suicidal one with the oversized knife? Hm. Guess I shouldn't be surprised that he tried his hand at cliff diving. Wonder who's the poor sucker he dragged along with him?"

* * *

"Did I just survive that...?" Zelda asked weakly as soon as she could breathe again. She looked longingly at the shore. It was so _far _away...

Link coughed and spewed a mouthful of water out. "Yeah, I think so. It's too wet to be heaven, or a dream."

"You know, if I wasn't so relieved to be alive, I'd probably be trying to claw out your eyes right now," Zelda said in a tone that tried to be outraged, but was too tired to succeed.

"Why? I just saved our lives!" Link said, starting to swim towards the shore.

"You just threw me off a mountain and into a Lake. It was probably the single most terrifying experience of my life," Zelda said dryly while laboriously swimming. "Even now, I'm probably going to drown..."

"Well, I still saved our lives...and it couldn't have been _that _bad. Just a little bit of mountain climbing and diving."

"A _little _bit? That was extreme sports, right there! The Olympics couldn't be more intense!"

"The what?"

"Never mind."

"At any rate, it wasn't worse than facing Ganondorf, was it?"

"I'd have to say it was. At least Ganondorf was a relatively easy boss that most players had no trouble beating. I really wasn't in any danger during that whole fight..."

"What about when I whacked the living daylights out of you by shocking you with your own yellow magic stuff?"

"Actually, I don't remember anything from that fight."

"Really? Wow, guess I didn't need to worry about accidently killing Hyrule's princess after all..."

"I still think I'll have you thrown into prison for a few weeks."

"But you don't even remember anything from that fight! That's completely uncalled for!"

"You still threw me off the mountain."

"Don't you _like _being alive?"

"Yes, but I'm probably going to drown now so you'll be held accountable for my death."

"Do I have to lend you my Zora Armour or something?"

"No thanks. No offense, but you look just a little bit gay when you wear it."

"Gee, thanks."

"It's true and you know it."

"It was either drown and look straight or live and look gay."

"I'd rather look straight."

"Honestly, Hyrule needs a new Princess."

"Excuse me?"

* * *

Oh, and in Chap 1, I forgot to mention I kinda stole the line about idiocity and stupidity being the same thing from Adamwestslapdog's Zelda Abridged. Honestly, if you are a Zelda fan with any sense of humour at all, you should watch it. It's freaking HILARIOUS. I watch it all the time...well, listen to, more like. I've watched it enough that I really don't need the video...just the audio.

Anyways, got to go now...mom breathing down my neck...

See you guys in Chap 5...you guys had better review.

Like, right now.

I'm waiting...

If you haven't reviewed, you are officially a douche bag. (By the way, I really don't mean that, I'm just slightly grumpy. Ignore me - NO WAIT, DON'T, YOU HAVE TO REVIEW!)

~Da Scribbler


	5. Mortal Munitions

**Midna's Final Prank**

**Disclaimer: **This is kind of pointless really...if I did own it, then this wouldn't be a _fan_fiction but whatever, site protocol and stuff. Anyways, don't own Zelda, nope.

**Da Scribbler says: **Yes, I know I haven't updated in forever, but you guys will all read and review anyways, right? Right?

Aha, so yeah, I wasn't certain whether I'd ever work on this again. But today, I clicked on it and started to reread it - I like to reread my works after I've forgotten the details. And dear Nayru...I had completely forgotten what an absolute laugh-riot this piece is. It'd be a shame not to finish it, so here you go, another chapter. Is this the last? I don't think so. There might be an epilogue later. I'll see what I can scrounge up, 'kay? Until then, enjoy your much overdue chapter! Oh, and I'm not pissed anymore (from Chapter 4). Never really was. I was just writing that as a sort of joke. I was REALLY surprised when I got a ton of reviews for that chapter. Maybe I should act pissed more often...?

Read, enjoy and review!

* * *

Xx Chapter 5: Mortal Munitions xX

* * *

"Fyer, if I wasn't so damned tired, I swear, I would Triforce Slash you right now," Link said darkly as he wrung the water out of his hat. The Chosen Hero and the Princess of Hyrule had finally managed to swim to the nearest shoreline – which happened to be the little isle where Fyer lived. Fyer himself was currently kneeling at the foot of Zelda's feet.

"My deepest apologies, your Highness!" he cried out desperately, kow-towing. Zelda didn't seem to notice his fervent apologizing but stared at Link instead.

"Triforce Slash?" Zelda asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, you know, my Final Smash in Brawl. Pretty awesome move, don't you think?"

"No, not really."

"Oh, shut up – it's better than your dumb Light Arrow."

"You shut up! It's not like you can use the Triforce Slash in this game anyways."

"It would`ve been so useful if it was in the game though...," Link said wistfully. "I could've Triforce Slash-ed Ganondorf to death..."

"Triforce Slash-ed?"

"You know what I mean."

"Ah, I feel so bad about this whole issue, your Highness!" Fyer piped up, still kow-towing to Zelda. "To make up, perhaps your Highness would like a tour of Lake Hylia? For no charge, of course!"

"No, thank you," she said, looking every inch a Princess of Hyrule.

"Is your Highness sure? I can offer some-"

"I've been on the road for several weeks now," Zelda overrode him. "I would like to get back to Castle Town and Hyrule Castle as soon as possible, please."

"Ah, of course. When would you like to get in the cannon, your Highness?" Fyer asked politely. Zelda's eyes snapped open and she gave Fyer a disbelieving look.

"Why in the name of Nayru would I want to act as a human cannonball?" Zelda asked incredulously.

"Er, well, it's kind of the only way out of here," Link told her matter-of-factly.

"...this is the only way out of here," Zelda repeated faintly. She sank weakly down back into her chair. "Sweet, merciful Din..."

"Zelda?" Link asked warily, slowly backing away. He had an eerie feeling he knew what was going to happen next...

"This is your fault!" Zelda rounded on him, her voice shrill.

"I knew it..." he muttered, flinching as she glared at him.

"If only you hadn't made that idiotic bet with the Great Fairy! She could've transported us back! We could be at Castle Town by now!" Zelda moaned and slumped back into her seat. "Din, what I'd give for a hot bath right now..."

Link watched her nervously, looking like he expected her to fly at him at any moment. Fyer on the other hand, had a thoughtful look on his face.

"Great Fairy? Is that anything like the Guardian Spirit of Lanayru?"

"Not really..." Link muttered but Zelda looked up hopefully.

"Guardian Spirit! That's it – it must be able to transport us back! You know where it is, right?" She demanded Link.

"Er, yeah..."

"What are you waiting for – let's go! NOW!"

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, AWAY ON VACATION?" Zelda shrieked dismally.

Hung over the simple wooden sign before the cavern of the Guardian Spirit was another sign which proclaimed in apologetic print: _Away on Vacation until First Snow. Sorry for any inconveniences._

"Vacation? Where on earth would a Guardian Spirit go to on vacation?" Link asked, perplexed. "And I didn't even know Guardian Spirits got vacation leave."

"Is that even important?" Zelda asked disparagingly. "The more important thing is that we can't be conveniently teleported back to Castle Town since the Spirit isn't here!"

"Oh, right, that too."

"Of all the rotten luck," she fumed, pacing back and forth, wringing her hands in the air.

"Hey, you're not going to blame me for this, are you?" Link asked, eyeing her as she walked like one possessed.

"As much as I'd like to, I can't because that would be utterly illogical," Zelda said but glared at him darkly all the same; she clearly didn't care what logic had to say and blamed him internally anyways.

"Well, I guess we should get going now."

"Go where?" Zelda asked scathingly.

"The cannon. We don't have any choice now," Link shrugged. The idea of acting as a human cannonball obviously didn't faze him in the least.

Zelda looked on the verge of tears.

* * *

"Hey, I just realized. It said the Guardian Spirit would be back at first snow. Does Hyrule even go through a cycle of seasons?"

"Link, why do you always ask the most irrelevant questions?"

"Well, there's nothing else to talk about!"

* * *

"For your Highness, my service shall be free of charge, of course," Fyer said, smiling nervously at Zelda as he fidgeted with his hands. Zelda was staring at the cannon with the expression of a man before the gallows.

"Oh, I'm sure that's a big comfort. I don't have to pay to get shot out of a cannon. That really makes my day," Zelda said, her voice higher than usual.

"Aw, it's not that bad," Link told her complacently. "It's actually kind of fun. Just be careful of the landing. I nearly broke my neck once. There was another time when I narrowly missed that rock..."

"Is that supposed to be comforting?" Zelda asked faintly.

"Just remember, even though you have a fifty percent chance of dying, you also have a fifty percent chance of living," he told her brightly. Zelda turned paler than ever.

"I can sympathize with you, your Highness," Fyer told her reassuringly. "This is a tip I give nervous first-time customers: just pretend you`re a Bullet Bill, except with no fat Italian plumber to kill you in mid flight!"

Zelda stared.

"Are you two really this stupid in earnest or are you trying to scare me senseless?" she asked numbly.

"What?" Link asked.

"Sweet Nayru, help me..." Zelda sank onto the floor. "I can`t do this, I can`t do this..."

"Sure you can," Link told her bracingly. "If if makes you feel better, we can go in the same shot."

Zelda scrutinized him sharply. "Hmm...that does make me feel better. You`re all but indestructible after all."

"Too true," he said cheerily as he pulled her up to her feet. "If falling in boiling lava only costs me two hearts, there`s no way a little drop like this will kill me."

Zelda sighed, although still pale. "Alright. Let`s get this over with."

* * *

"Ready?" Fyer asked.

"No," a terrified voice responded from within the depths of the cannon. "Fire away."

"As you command, your Highness," Fyer bowed deeply before he walked over to the wind-up box that was the switch to the cannon. "And around we gooooo!"

"I am going to die now, I am going to die now-"

"Stop being such a cucco."

"Well, you're just an idiot without enough brains to be afraid, you moronic-"

The argument ended rather abruptly when the cannon fired two screaming Hylians into the sky.

* * *

"I cannot believe that we survived that," Zelda said blankly as they walked out of the Cucco house and onto Hyrule Field.

"You always say that after every near-death experience we go through," Link noted. "You'd think you'd get used to it by now."

"You can't be human," Zelda said, shaking her head slowly.

"Um, well, I am Hylian."

"Hylians are a kind of human. I don`t know what you are, but you can't be human."

"And just what makes you say that?"

"You fall into lava but only lose two hearts. You run off a bridge and fall into a bottomless chasm only to re-spawn somehow. And you pull off crazy stunts like that -" she pointed wildly in the direction of Lake Hylia, "on a regular basis! I still don`t understand how we`re still alive! By all means, the laws of physics state that we should`ve crashed into that landing spot and died instantaneously!"

"Did you want to die?" Link asked slowly.

" No – but –" Zelda flailed at a loss. As Bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, it was excruciatingly difficult for her to accept anything that defied or just clean ignored the laws of physics and all things natural. Sadly for her, Link was the physical incarnation all of things that defied sense. "It just isn't right!" she wailed finally.

"I can't understand you," Link told her.

`Well, neither can I!" She retorted.

"Are you still going to complain about being alive or can we get going already?" Link asked her plaintively.

"Oh, alright," Zelda crossed her arms.

"Thank you," Link said.

A minute passed in silence.

"Err...were you going to do something?" Zelda asked uncertainly. Link looked slightly confused.

"I thought I just..." he mumbled. He frowned as if trying to concentrate. Another minute passed in silence.

"What's going on?" Zelda asked, completely lost.

"I was trying to make my horse-call appear..." Link said, looking bewildered. He looked down at his pocket-less tunic, at a loss.

"You didn`t somehow forget how you made your items appear did you?" Zelda asked him darkly.

"Err..." The Hero's Bow appeared out of thin air, then there was a bomb in his hand the next second. "Nope, I still remember," Link confirmed and then he was holding nothing again.

"Well then, what`s going on?" Zelda asked impatiently.

"I...I think I...I think I lost it," he said quietly. For a moment, Zelda didn`t seem to have heard him. He hoped she hadn`t. But things rarely ever went that smoothly – at least, not for Link.

"WHAT?" she shrieked. "How in the name of the Goddesses do you lose it? It couldn't have fallen out of your pouch or hat, could it? I thought it was in that "Items Screen" or whatever!"

"I don't know!" He wailed. "Man, Ilia's going to kill me for losing it..."

"Well, you won't have to worry about that for a while seeing as it won`t be a while until we get back!" Zelda looked ready to fly into another rant but Link looked strangely calm about it.

"Actually, it's not that bad. There's a patch of horse-shoe grass right there," Link said, pointing at a patch of ground a few feet away where there was indeed horse-shoe grass swaying slightly.

"...oh," Zelda said. "Wow. That was easy."

"Yeah, I think it`s a sign that the fanficer is running out of torture ideas."

"You think so?"

"Probably. Hey, I think I see the end of the chapter coming up."

...

...

...

A/N:...Dammit. He's right.

* * *

There's your parody goodness. I don't know if it matches the brilliance of the other chapters but it's better than nothing, right?

Well, it's really late for me now - 1:00 in the morning. Geez, I really need to stop doing this right before school starts...

Thanks for reading - please review!

~ Da Scribbler


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